Home Visit

How do I think I’ve become this way? I don’t have a clue. But there is one thing I do know: I am above all an introvert. Thousands of hours I’ve spent, by myself, in my room happy as can be. Staring outside my shade covered window, hidden behind the trees in my mountainous front yard. Thinking, just thinking… Now you’re probably going to ask, how does this make you feel? After all, isn’t that the therapists’ motto? Well, truth be told it makes me feel happy. I love spending time by myself. Hundreds of parties, get together’s, and school bore fests (dances) missed. Gone down the drain. The question now, is how did I become like this. After years of reflection I think I may finally know.

I have exactly 2 neighbors. One down the hill of our private street, one across the way, but on a different street. Both are religious-as-hell families, mine… not so much. There isn’t really anybody to talk to. Outside my family that is. I don’t mind though. I have the internet and video games to keep me company. The only notable sound most days is the wind hitting the 200 foot tall eucalyptus trees overlooking my house. That, or the gospel jazz sessions from either of my neighbors. Often they’re having yard sales to discard of some old memories also. It makes me feel small. How much I don’t know, how much these giant redwoods around my house know, or God knows. It reminds me how it doesn’t matter the number of Wikipedia articles I read, I’ll always know so little. How little I will remember, how little my memories matter once I have passed. My brain could be a box in an unpopulated yard sale after I’m gone, and it wouldn’t matter.

So it makes sense, I guess. How introverted I am. After all, I am basically tucked away in the corner of the world most days. House hidden wholly. Sorry to divert but, I really can’t thank you enough for doing these house visits. Really convenient for therapy. … Silence eh? Hands off technique I guess, similar to my hands off technique with life. As to return to my rant, I guess I should describe this house. It’s nice. Cozy really, not too big, not too small. With a large backyard, it has quite the potential for holidays and get togethers. We, my family, never really use that capability though. It, the house, follows the shape and contour of the hill it’s built into. Similar to how I usually am, easy going and the like. The interior is simplistic, white walls complemented by furniture of dark hues. Also like me, one could assume. A myriad of windows adorn the walls, taking up a large portion of wallspace; opens the house up to natural light and a beautiful vista of Rincon Valley. Mountains at the watch. The windows give the house a breathing atmosphere, lets it exist with the ebbs and flows of the wind. 

The house itself is only a little special. It is still my temple, however. My mother once told me that it’s not the house that makes it homely, but the people inside of it do. Which makes sense, I guess. But now the question is how did this make me so introverted. I don’t think that anything made me this way, it’s just who I am. There’s no point in blaming inanimate objects. That's not to say my neighborhood had no affect on me. The world isn’t that black and white, and the influences on a person aren’t either. But my house is isolated, I know that. Takes away from that neighborhood feeling. In fact, the only way that my neighborhood affected me, is that there wasn’t one. It forced me to be by myself, think by myself, exist by myself. And isn’t that really what introversion is? The desire to exist by yourself?

There is a distinct difference between being by yourself, and feeling alone though. I am a lonely person. That’s just a fact. God knows I would love to have a striking girlfriend, with looks that can silence a room. But that just isn’t realistic. Especially since that would require me to go to bars, or the like, and socialize. Man, if the devil was a word, that would be it for me. Having to go out and pretend to care about the triflings of some person. And I guess that's narcissistic. But aren’t we all a little narcissistic? Oh crap, we’re out of time, the hours almost up. Well I guess this session was helpful, letting me explain why I think I’ve become as introverted as I am. An overall combination of an isolated home life, and just a tad bit of narcissism. Interesting how much stuff can come out of a person during an hour of talking. Thanks again, for doing these visitations, have a nice night.